my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
