life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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