I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
