someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
