I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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