I just gift wrapped bread.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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