i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize