Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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