those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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