Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
