I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
