just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
