I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
