even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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