jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
