You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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