Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
