I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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