walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
