So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Fuck appropriateness.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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