I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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