Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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