I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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