girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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