worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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