my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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