Can i not drive my cunt home
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
