The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
