You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You can't special order awesome
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
