i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
