Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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