I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
