apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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