You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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