I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
