I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
