if you like me you must not know who I am
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
