hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
