The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
