Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
