its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
