some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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