I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
