haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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