So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
