Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
