girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
