Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
