I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
