Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
