if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
