I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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