I wish my penis had an off switch
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
