i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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