frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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