I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
