Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just google imaged poop.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think i got beer on your cat.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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