Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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