Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
