he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
