Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
